So you took an oath, if I remember the words it was for better or worse. Well? I too stood there, I said the words and I too found the words have a real meaning. For better or worse, wow I thought I was going to spend my life hiking, running around, and having incredible amounts of sex. Well it isn’t that way now is it? Note to self the sex is still good! But the other things I thought myself and my lovely wife were going to be doing, are not going to happen now. Well not the way we thought they would. There will be no climbing to the top on Mt Shasta, hand in hand. There won’t be a long hot soak in the hot tub. What there will be is extra work, more kid chores and a lot less time with the lady I married. So for better or worse, is it worse? No! We can’t romp around like we used too but we can have damn good times still. We can’t hike but we can stroll. We can’t climb a mountain but we can still roll down a long hill together. Instead of jogging in the park we swing at the play ground. Is she still the same woman, yes. When I look in her eyes, it’s still the woman I married. There may be things we can’t do and things I have to live with I didn’t expect but I have a view that might help you to see the oath better.

What if it was you? What if you had MS, a major injury, or cancer? What if it was you that was in the wheel chair? It could have been and it could still be. One day driving down the road and balm! It’s you, you’re in the chair, you’re walking with the cane, and you’re the one needing someone else to care for you. Maybe just maybe you should look at the cane, the pill jars, and the chair and think it could have been you. So as you cook dinner for the fifth time this week remember, your mate would if they could. For better or worse, well sometimes its worse but only as worse as you make it. I for one find ways to deal with the extra life given me. I find I’m not losing any life I’m gaining life. I get to help my mate live, have a better life and overcome what was laid in her path. Because I know if it was me she would be right there doing all I do for me.

Ok that’s the first of many advice columns I am going to write. Next is an intro to who I am. Good or bad I’m just a care giver and I have made many mistakes and I have fixed many as well. I have learned to live with ms too. It is after all for better or worse. ~Lorna's Husband

So who am I, and why do I have advice for caregivers. Well I am not a doctor, I don’t have any degrees in counseling, and I am not pro at this. What I am is a husband, a father and a caregiver to a woman with MS. I have been doing it for 10 years now and have made my fair share of mistakes. I have also learned a lot and some of what I know works. The first thing I learned is it could have been me. I said this in an earlier post. But it really could have been. My wife didn’t choose to have MS, I didn’t choose it either but we have it. Look at what I just said “WE”. That’s right we have MS. I do not suffer from the symptoms but I do have to live with the rules and handicaps of MS too. There is not going to be long hot days on the beach or a 10k run. I have to live with the person suffering from MS. I get to watch as it slowly disables her and I do share in the pain of seeing my mate fade away. So WE have MS. We are a family and we, together can overcome anything in our path.

So how to help you. First know that you will be tired. Tired in a way that isn’t anything you have ever been through. Don’t lose hope, it can be fixed. Tired isn’t about sleeping enough, no. that’s too easy and I bet you already tried that one. It is fatigue, and it is curable. First get to your doctor, tell them what you feel and what is going on in your life. You will get sleeping pills, maybe even a little pick-me-up pill too. You will have blood work done and a stress diet to start. Burgers are easy but it won’t help in the long haul. The doctor may have you do things like “don’t faint” jog! Ok wake up, breath I said the J word. For those of us that don’t jog just staying in some kind of shape other than round will help more than anything else. Eat right, and exorcise. First step and the hardest too.

Second, knock off the booze. I know you are so don’t even try to go there. We all did or are doing. It is a hard life you are living and a lot of work but if you love your mate then don’t drown your troubles in the bottle. It’s ok to drink a little but if you find you’re drinking every night to stay sane then you need to stop. If you can’t control it how can you take care of someone else? Is there symptom relief hell yes. Ask your doctor I would bet a little Prozac and a good workout would feel better than a hangover any day. So drinking is off the list, well better word is drunking. If you were in the chair would you want a drunk taking care of you?

Third, don’t fall for the old make time crap. It doesn’t work, never will work, and only a paid fool ever tells you “go make time for yourself”. Who are they kidding? You are the caregiver; you do the dishes, mow the lawn and vacuum. You have all your work and a lot of theirs as well. Go make time hahahaha! But there is a way to beat the system. Cut the work load, no you haven’t tried or you wouldn’t be reading this. You don’t have to wash the car yourself! You don’t have to put in a new sprinkler system, paint the walls and reroof this week. You do have to cook, clean and care for the kids if any, and care for your mate. You can even take care of yourself too believe me. “If you are not showering please do people will like you more”. Shut off the TV and read while the laundry is being done wrong. “Trust me your doing the clothes wrong”. Share chores your mate can do. Like folding the done wrong clothes, craft time with the kids, or any other small thing that they can do. They want to feel useful and need too. GO BUY A MOMS MAGAZINE! Do it! And hey the chicks are hot and you won’t get in trouble owning a few. Those things are filled with ideas from other mothers, “hey did you just find out you’re a mom kind of”. The time saving tricks, the craft projects, the how to shower and change a diaper at the same time are worth their weight in gold. I am the un-coolest man I know. I read better homes and gardens, Get the Family Fun magazine monthly, and I am still married to a wonderful woman. Ok one last time trust me, you don’t have time for everything but cut down on what everything is.

Last for today. Ok I’m going to say the blessed word. SEX. Yes friend’s sex. Every drug it seems they put your mate on has the side effect of lower libido doesn’t it? Add to that the pain they are in, fatigue, kids and stress, a warm love life is kind of unheard of. Right? Hahahaha wrong! Wrong wrong wrong. MS has so many issues and this is just one of them but sex doesn’t have to go out the door. It will change. In good ways and bad. But if you listen and learn you will find that your love life will be just fine. First listen, I know it’s been a month since you last had sex. Back up and listen, why? Is it the wrong time? Is it the not enough foreplay? Is it all the things you may have forgotten in your lust. Yes we have lust, lust for our mate. We do want things to be normal but find a new normal. Don’t fight about it, don’t bully them into it, and don’t forget it could be you on the other side of the bed. I will be giving long long advice writings on just this issue. Sex doesn’t have to go away and I know that for a lot of MS people they find a new sex drive. One that makes them feel wanted, needed and loved. Not pressured, bullied, and resented. I made this mistake myself so I am saying like it is. Now I have a very good sex life with my wife, and I find things to be even more fun. It was like finding each other again, and you know I like what I found. More advice to follow on this but have hope. Old man mark knows this can work. ~Lorna's Husband